Is This Happening to Us or For Us?

Is this happening to us or for us? I know, I know… (insert finger in throat) Barf! In all seriousness for a moment, we all have had our world turned upside down by the recent COVID-19 pandemic. I’ve connected with so many dear friends and family I haven’t spoken to within years. Some have been impacted way more than others and the anxiety levels are through the roof! All in all, even the people whose lives may already be in the location of the home on a daily basis, homeschooling their children, the world has come to a standstill for us all. Our axis has quit spinning. While we have stopped with the globe, we are still watching everything around us swirling in the air waiting to see where it will all land.

I’ll tell you, in the matter of a single week, my mind has gone from sipping a glass of wine with my feet up after a long day’s work (which I greatly appreciate hard work right now, by the way) thinking, “This is looking slightly concerning” to “Holy %$&*! I’m going to be shuffling under I35 with a cardboard box in hand soon!” to “Ah well… I’m gonna enjoy the stillness of this journey.”

In no way am I saying any of this mentality is correct or best. What I am saying is in a matter of a week, I have found a little peace in solitude. A tiny piece of peace. I mean A. Very. Tiny. Minuscule. Piece.

I cried for a couple of days, called some loved ones and sobbed in their ear, dramatically grieving the loss of the world as I once knew it. A variety of things big and small, meaningful and not… everything I think about is being affected. For instance, I’ve never even been to SXSW. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy the heck out of it, but as long as I’ve lived in Texas (my whole life) I’ve never been. I have no idea why. Maybe never found the time or desire. However, I did find myself weeping tears for SXSW, as it feels it has been a part of my existence. I’m a Texas girl. It’s a part of my roots of where I’m from. The fact that it has lost so much money from canceling and it’s future is in question is absolutely heart-breaking. I want to go more now than ever. It’s a funny thing… we, humans, really value life and it’s existence after it stops.

I rarely cry or even get teary, but I found myself getting a bit choked up watching this sweet elderly couple languidly walking by, both their posture was a bit hunched. The older gentleman with a typical cardigan and the older woman with buttoned up cotton blouse with an embroidered pattern. She carried a little grocery list in hand. Sticking by one another’s side, looking around gathering things up slowly in their cart to prepare for what could be a long time indoors. I have felt eerie when I hear a cough in the next aisle over from me at the grocery store. I even got mildly teary after a sweet teen-aged cashier apologized to me with wide eyes at the checkout after he had touched his nose briefly during our transaction. The empathetic being in me wanted to jump across the counter, hug him and tell him it was okay. That he would be okay and I would be okay and we all will be okay and please do not apologize to me for such a regular humanly action. But that would be weird. Plus we’re supposed to stay 6 feet apart.

I have taken many deep breaths and found appreciation for the quiet streets. I am an avid walker in the neighborhood that I reside. I have found much appreciation for a daily walk more than ever right now. I think a lot of us equate being outdoors with rejuvenation, fresh air, freedom, a sense of ease, empowerment. Boy, does that ever ring true right now. I need this walk everyday.

Being the extrovert I am, it has forced me to get creative with connection. I have face-timed and talked on the phone with many people. It’s been nice. I’m normally an avid texter. I’m guilty of looking at my phone of even loved ones calling and completely ignore it. Engaging takes a lot out of me and I tend to be all or nothing. I don’t weather talk.

I appreciate opportunity for solitude, but I’d normally be dying right now after five days of being cooped up. The acceptance of not knowing a new norm yet can naturally produce anxiety to say the least. We are still watching things unfold. On the flip side, sitting with complete utter uncertainty and the unknown could actually be quite liberating. My anxiety has definitely gone through the roof and I’ve coped in numerous ways these last few days. Some more healthy than others.

However, throwing my hands in the air giving it to God and the Universe can give a sense of freedom in letting go of control. In being very intentional about letting go from here on out is vital to my emotional well-being. Ironically, letting go is such a balance. Finding the control to let go of control is quite the mind-f&#k! (that should be a bumper sticker.) Once you can get ‘there’ and actually stay ‘there’ is where one can find solitude and peace. One might say it’s being connected with your inner being, your true essence. Some might say that’s easier said than done. I hear ya! I find it’s very hard to stay ‘there.’ I have found the mystery of ‘getting there’ and not slip away from my inner being is nearly impossible at times like these, especially when some government official is announcing some huge impact on our everyday life and livelihood every single day.

How to get there is another story. It’s different for everyone. Sometimes I take a walk outside and listen to a podcast. Sometimes, it’s meditation, sometimes it’s talking to a friend. Instead of asking “Why is this happening to me?” Maybe ask yourself, “During the duration of this historical time of a global pandemic… if it serves a purpose in my life in any way, what would that be? What could it possibly be for?”

I have been greatly impacted this past week, as I am currently unable to work. My daily job of doing hair has naturally come to a screeching halt. Absolutely no fluidity of income flowing in. Bills still have to be paid. I keep reminding myself to ask, “Why is this happening for me?”

I realize I am certainly not alone and usually I find solace and comfort in knowing I am not alone while walking through a dark time. However, I find myself with more of a heavy heart thinking of all the other hairstylists and people who serve a community face to face are most likely unable to work. It is just unreal and I find myself filled with the most empathy and compassion I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It’s like watching those Sarah McLachlan commercials with the abused dogs and your heart squeezes and aches. I would immediately change the channel to get relief instead of doing something about it. Yes, I realize that could possibly set off a chain reaction of animal rights activists. In no way am I saying we, as humans, are being abused. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I would love to, I can’t save everything and everyone. One, I’d be broke, and two, taking care of myself and my immediate world around me can be overwhelming and I admire those who can do so much more. Turning off the channel gives my heart instant relief, as shoddy as that sounds. Right now I can’t do that. I can’t change the channel. We are hearing of and/ or seeing how someone is affected all day everyday. It’s heart wrenching.

The world is changing. I am in no way saying death and sickness are for the betterment of anyone. Simply, that our world is being significantly impacted… all of us together. Maybe in due time, it is for us. Why is this happening for you?