The Rock-Star Theory
Let’s face it, if you’ve ever been married or in a long-term relationship seeing your partner in the same light day after day, month after month, year after year that light that once shined so brightly can start to flicker and occasionally dim. For some, working at a relationship is challenging to say the least. Mental role play could be one of the many tips in keeping the spark alive.
Mental role play means just that — putting your partner in a different role other than themselves for a minute. I don’t mean to start seeing them as your brother’s best friend or someone you know down the street! Or Eric Church strumming his guitar and singing ‘Like A Wrecking Ball.’ Did I take that one too far? What I truly mean is seeing your partner differently. Seeing your partner as others see them. Become open to seeing new things you may have not noticed before.
I call this the ‘Rock-Star’ theory. Who doesn’t love a rock-star? When I say rock-star this is a figurative meaning of seeing someone through others. This is one of the reasons we have an idealization for famous people. When we’re at a concert we’re usually looking up at someone on stage. Their presence is mysterious while we watch them create art. Maybe we should call this the Eric Church theory. We hear everyone screaming around us for the being that’s on stage. We see them through the eyes of mystery, not knowing if they leave dirty laundry on the floor. We see this magical being, not someone who forgets to wash their dishes after dinner. Again, this does not mean dress up and role play. However, I’m not discounting that either! That’s a subject for another blog post.
When we see our partner through another’s eyes we see something we haven’t seen before. This creates mystery. Mystery creates desire. Desire creates want. Another angle on this theory is that when they are in rock-star role aka view from a different perspective, then we never really ‘have’ them. Not having them keeps the desire propelling forward. Everything is about perception. This is a way to work at a relationship you want to preserve.
Recently, I asked one of my clients what her secret to her long successful marriage was, seeing as she has been married for thirty-plus years. Aside from the part about making sure she and her husband create some space from each other during the week, she added this. And I paraphrase…
“Sometimes I pretend he’s brand new and I’ve never met him before. I ask him an unobvious question or two that I may already know the answer and I pretend I’m someone new. I also know that things can change at any given moment.”
~Happy Coupling~